Review 3

"早上好 " 破防了! 破防了! 我受不了了！

你好嘉嘉,

这次，我想尝试用中文写作，因为我刚刚看了一个中文电视节目！

别恨我，但我理解白敬亭的炒作！我已经恨我了.

感想：白敬亭好，故事好，我的mental好.

逗你玩儿! 这些日子我很心塞!! 你认为kian会成为我的新宝贝吗？呵呵呵呵. Also, woojoo让我做他的女朋友。你觉得我说了什么？呵呵呵呵. 我不要男朋友. 我要粉红色Lego 花! 你是对的...今年夏天我会 self reflect...

我很高兴我们是朋友. 没有你我会很难过. 所以让我们继续一起做所有事情! 下学期我教你下棋! 我们也可以打麻将吗? 我想和你一起做很多事情！

亲亲明天见! NAKSAN! :)
Ashley Kim

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Review 5? (im losing track now)

非常好! 非常好！有人告诉我，当我说“非常好”时，我听起来像个白痴，但是这部中国戏剧（看我的Vocabulary在进步！）太好了。我以为这部剧会是马马虎虎，但是真的很好看.

哈喽嘉嘉!

你好吗？中国怎么样？你现在感觉像海归吗？我想那是稍后的事... 我们稍后再打电话吧! 我想听听一切！

我的想法:
1. 他们是so goddamn gay。
2. 他们的故事很美丽。
3. 这正是我讨厌标签和其他人的原因。他们有unconditional的爱。这怎么可能是错误的呢？
4. 中国censoringBL哈哈哈哈.
5. 这是我的第一个BL，但它是FEI CHANG HAO!!

其他想法:
1. 这些天我太忙了，根本无法思考！2. 别取笑我……我最近买了Jellycat……怎么这么可爱，快把我的钱都拿走吧！3. masiwei是明天 (update: 他太酷了)，lauren觉得他听起来像中国的warren hue色调。4. 记得给我发ootd照片！我意识到我赢不了。当我穿上masc的衣服时，我看起来就像一个masc bisexual。当我穿上fem的衣服时，我看起来像fem lesbian. 我放弃我放弃我放弃我放弃我放弃我放弃. 5. 现在我喜欢Buddhism。我什至买了项链。请杀了我

我正在与 Lion 交谈，我们认为明年将是最好的一年。电视剧第一季很有趣，对吧？如此疯狂！大家回到Quincy。呵呵呵。现在让我们来点真正的乐趣吧。

我学会了有理走遍天下，无理寸步难行。所以我要诚实地生活在下一个semester！你也是！

P.S. 我要告诉你一件事...

拜拜
你天才、美丽、酷的朋友

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brainless rant

haha are...you even reading this? do i...even want you to?

idk why I write these. ill just delete them the next day anyway. its sort of therapeutic weirdly....this makes for a funny story to be a diary too right?

I've realized i do a lot of repressing, probably more than i admitted to myself. is it possible to like someone and not know...? i think i do that...did that idk? I'm scared of liking ppl or being vulnerable bc what if you leave me after i tell u i like you? so i do this thing where i leave before you can leave me. but it doesn't always work like that does it?

you believe in fate, right? can you tell me...what do you do when that fate escapes you? where do you go? everyone tells me I'm the one good with words, I'm the one who plans everything, the one who knows exactly when and where and what is going to happen, but I've run out of words...I've run out of plans...do i give up?

my mom told me yesterday "don't fight them away" and i almost cried. it felt like deja vu even though ive never heard it before. boys are just a distraction from the real truth right, do YOU think I'm a lesbian? does it matter? why does...everyone care so much? i wish i could live on a little island where no one looked at me or told me who i had to be. I'm so sad.

anyway, ill drop that class. ill bring back my spam. ill respond to their messages. "love is strange...it brings different people together....even if you have differing thoughts or values or are busy, love can pull even the two most opposite people together" - ivy qin. I'm going to choose to believe that even when i don't. is it...really that worth it? is love really worth this much hurt and pain and suffering? can it really bring two people together, against all odds?

i don't know, id just like to confess once and get rejected just that once

https://open.spotify.com/playlist/5fCH7PJWBhVuAUtpi1BGIB?si=47216eb8e88b4c0a

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Review 7 - 我提前 40 分钟来到 CT，呵呵，我不想工作，所以我们到了

嘿嘉嘉,

和Roblox躺在床上是什么感觉？呵呵呵呵. 我不敢相信你和他一起看Your Lie in April ！哼! Ivy 你咋啦!

无论如何，这部剧和昨天的故事完全不同。它很可爱，很甜蜜，但并不疯狂和MESSY。他也完全是我的style。他是submissive，但也许我只是喜欢中国男人呵呵呵. 戏剧有时会很无聊，因为 FL 和 ML 太健康了。呵呵呵呵也许我们只是toxic. 这很可爱，但现实生活不是这样的，不是吗？无所谓! 无所谓! 我认为这就是让现实生活变得更有趣的原因 ;)

天哪，我的grad mentor总是对我的总计拍马屁，所以我烦死了.
我也忘了我在Bibi上有一个朋友crush哈哈哈。我们要一起去 DPR，我很兴奋.
我是半吊子, 牛奶对你有害吗？我每天都喝牛奶 (matcha)，但现在我很害怕acne。tret 对我不起作用！囧囧. 哎呀，我现在应该回去工作了.

我走了!
你有创意、美丽、非常酷的朋友

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Review 6 - for reals this time

또 안녕 아이비!

중국 어때? Just kidding! Roblox씨랑 정말 잘 지내는 거 알아!! 내 중국인 친구, 내가 무슨 말을 하는지 알아? ㅋㅋㅋ 이제 영어로 바꿀게.

I miss you. a lot. summer would be so fun with you. i dont think i tell you enough but im rlly grateful for u.

I think I tell you some of my most embarrassing, weird thoughts, and instead of judging me, you listen to everything sincerely (reminds you of a certain pat on the fanny pack? ㅋㅋㅋ) and help me in whatever way i need, even if im talking abt the same stupid thing for the thousandth time. if im being self-deprecating, you say...ashley maybe self reflect? and i say ok! when given two paths, you always choose whichever one you think will make me most happy bc thats all you rly care abt at the end of the day. 너는 정말 좋은 친구야, 찐자사랑해! i love when u expos20 it on me too, because even though i love words, i sometimes lose them too. it's nice to hear you talk about love or fate or death. you have a really wonderful way of thinking hon.

so yeah, i hate life and sometimes i DO want to live on a little island by myself (with a cat and a dog ofc) where no one could tell me what to do or who to be, but also i dont want that at all. as much as that kind of life sounds so free, it sounds so scary and lonely. i feel like you think its always me teaching u smthg, but that's not true at all. you've helped me learn that life is worthwhile BECAUSE we dont go through it alone. life is just so hard and complicated and weird and exhausting, but its those little moments between - going to the next graduating year's Visitas because your friend never got to experience hers, blinking really hard so you dont cry then looking over your shoulder and seeing your friend already crying her eyes out for tomorrow's LS1B PIE and bursting out laughing instead, eating at the crappy dining hall and nervously blushing so hard and your other friend pointing it out and blushing even harder even to your EARS that you just have to put your head down on the table- that make all the weird and the bad and the hurt all worth it.

that's what this kdrama is about actually, and I'll think youll like it very much considering you - a bright 18 year old - is terrified of death. in this show, after a repeated set of failures, a man attempts suicide, but Death forces him to experience the lives of several characters (hehehe including LEE DO HYUN AND GO YOUN JUNG), wherein he learns the value of life. spoiler alert, it's the people, nothing else. we get so caught up in the pedantics of life - chasing miscellaneous titles; rejecting who we are, more terrified of rebuff from friends and family than living for ourselves - that we forget the true meaning of this one life we lead. so yeah, fuck life! it sucks major balls! i mean, I have so many regrets. i wish I could have said "I like you" to that person or "FUCK YOU" to that other person who may be the same person, but isn't that what makes life so heartbreakingly beautiful? maybe...i rarely do admit this, you were right. love is what makes life worthwhile. to love is to cry and to laugh and to hurt and to maybe die a little bit inside too, but more than anything, to love is to live, and I wouldn't have it any other way.

so, I wont give up on people, as I had planned just last night after a mental breakdown (heheheh). i wont give up on you, so you don't give up on me. ill make sure you get that blackbeard and bofa internship, orgo wont kill you, and you make sure I don't push away the next person I fall for. ill protect your mind and you protect my heart. let's go through this one stupid life (reincarnation theory aside) together, this year and the next and the next.

ahhhhh ew I just realized I turn 19 tomorrow
love,
ashley kim

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