haha are...you even reading this? do i...even want you to?

idk why I write these. ill just delete them the next day anyway. its sort of therapeutic weirdly....this makes for a funny story to be a diary too right?

I've realized i do a lot of repressing, probably more than i admitted to myself. is it possible to like someone and not know...? i think i do that...did that idk? I'm scared of liking ppl or being vulnerable bc what if you leave me after i tell u i like you? so i do this thing where i leave before you can leave me. but it doesn't always work like that does it?

you believe in fate, right? can you tell me...what do you do when that fate escapes you? where do you go? everyone tells me I'm the one good with words, I'm the one who plans everything, the one who knows exactly when and where and what is going to happen, but I've run out of words...I've run out of plans...do i give up?

my mom told me yesterday "don't fight them away" and i almost cried. it felt like deja vu even though ive never heard it before. boys are just a distraction from the real truth right, do YOU think I'm a lesbian? does it matter? why does...everyone care so much? i wish i could live on a little island where no one looked at me or told me who i had to be. I'm so sad.

anyway, ill drop that class. ill bring back my spam. ill respond to their messages. "love is strange...it brings different people together....even if you have differing thoughts or values or are busy, love can pull even the two most opposite people together" - ivy qin. I'm going to choose to believe that even when i don't. is it...really that worth it? is love really worth this much hurt and pain and suffering? can it really bring two people together, against all odds?

i don't know, id just like to confess once and get rejected just that once

https://open.spotify.com/playlist/5fCH7PJWBhVuAUtpi1BGIB?si=47216eb8e88b4c0a