Losing your marbles

"Nothing happens. Twice." Vivien Mercier famously said this of Waiting for Godot, but as a compliment. Of Takara no Vidro, I can say: "Nothing happens. Ten times." And that is not a compliment. Godot, in the most common interpretation of the play, is supposed to be death. Here, we wait for any semblance of life.

There is one, and only one, reason to watch this show. Iwase Yoji. If you do watch it for him, I suggest doing so at 2x speed, though even then, the show will seem slower than seeing a tortoise run a marathon. But if you care at all about plot, acting, script, direction, chemistry, charm, or some insight into human life -- rather than, as the title appropriately hints at, a vitrified vision of it -- I suggest you give it a miss.

Also, can someone please do a cut of Taishin's "Eh, Eh, Eh, Eh, Eh" set to Rihanna's "Umb(u)rella? It might not only justify the suffering he inflicted on us, but also offer a plausible explanation as to why it is the only syllable he can muster.


Reader's Digest:
DO SAY: Eh?
DON'T SAY: Uh oh, uh oh, uh oh, oh no no.

Leggi di Più

A Recipe for Gastronomic JBLs

Or: How to trap a man in 9 easy episodes.

Ingredients:

For the series:
10-15 year age-gap
6-10 inch height gap
2-4 side characters with no depth or individuality
1 astonishingly small kitchen
1 knife and 1 pair of ryouribashi (cooking chopsticks)
1 serving (at least) of onigiri
1 serving (at least) of a Western dessert (preferably cake, preferably for a birthday)
2-4 instances (at least) of misunderstanding & miscommunication
1 episode of illness or indisposition
1 wet white towel, to tend to that indisposition
Story or plot optional

For each episode:
10 mins. of food porn, of which:
2 mins. for broth-based dishes
2 mins. for rice-based dishes
2 mins. for curry
2 min. for lingering shots of chopping
1 min. for serving
1 min. for presentation
2 min. (at most) of interaction with the side characters
Plot and character development optional

For serving:
2-4 shots of chopstick choreography per episode
3-5 near-kisses per series
1 fish-eye or camera-angle non-kiss per series (optional)
Payoff optional

Preparation:
1. Toss the ingredients together in a medium-sized show
2. Be careful to keep the right proportions for each episode
3. Simmer slowly to break down all chemistry and tension
4. Gently stir the camera around the top of the pans and apply suitable filters
5. Decant the bland broth into clean 25-minute containers
6. Garnish with the non-kiss
7. Serve lukewarm immediately, or tomorrow, or five years from now. It doesn’t matter.

Special Notes for Sugar Dog Life:
1. I-su-mi-kun! I-su-mi-kun!
2. Do people really check for fever by huddling their heads together?
3. Kyosuke is coded as the husband and Isumi as the wife, right? Look at the poster.
4. What on earth is a sugar dog life? Is it a Japanese idiom? Can someone enlighten me?

Note: This review also appears under Mitsuya Sensei no Keikakutekina Ezuke, but with a different set of notes.

Reader's Digest:
DO SAY: Itadakimasu.
DON’T SAY: Ittakimasu.

See Also: Mitsuya Sensei no Keikakutekina Ezuke, Bokura no Shokutaku, Kinou Nani Tabeta, Perfect Propose.

Leggi di Più

Happy in the End?

This is a conversation between me and my friend, Taeko. It is in two parts, the first covering Ep. 1 to 6, and the second covering Ep. 7 & 8, plus the series as a whole. As you will see, the division has proved quite useful, as the two parts really represent two different series, with what seem like two different sets of writers and directors.

PART ONE. (Ep. 1 to 6)

ME: Kimi to futari, hanauta majiri, kasanaru tabi, iro asakaya, kimi ga suki datta....
TAEKO: For god's sake, are you still singing that song?
ME: Yes. What's more, I wrote down the lyrics, decoded the Kanji, translated it, and memorised the lines.
MY HUSBAND (from the kitchen): Neeeeeeeeeerd....
TAEKO: So, Happy of the End. I feel we aren't going to disagree much on this one.
ME: No! I don't know how the last two episodes will turn out, but so far, it might be one of the best of the BLs I have ever seen.
TAEKO: Praise indeed! I am surprised at how much they were able to pack into just 6 episodes so far... Even though I feel some things have been lost in the process.
ME: Like what?
TAEKO: Chihiro, for instance... His abandonment by his whole family deserves more attention, and more justice than the show has given it. It was limited to just a few scenes, and needed far more emotional heft than that. On the other hand, you might be able to better relate to his being in love with a bisexual man than I can. Did the show come too close to suggesting, though, that bisexuals are just greedy and sleep around?
ME: No, I just think Shun'ichi is an arsehole, and deserves to be lonely forever.
TAEKO (laughing): I love it when you become catty. But Haoren's storyline -- it is very well done.
ME: Right? He might have the worst life it is possible to have in Japan. And just when you think that the show couldn't possibly go *there*, it goes there. I can't think of a taboo it hasn't touched... except, maybe, incest.
TAEKO: You never know. I'm still not sure if the guy who drops his trousers was his dad, his step-dad, or someone else.
ME: Speaking of bad daddies, or baddies... Maya!
TAEKO: Asari Yosuke is an amazing actor. As soon as he appeared on the screen, my hairs stood on end. That frog scene... Ewww.
ME: As is Kubota Yuki. Kaji is a fascinating character, because, unlike most other characters, his moral compass is not easily decipherable. He doesn't have the clarity that even Haoren has. He sends Haoren to Maya, and says something homophobic to Chihiro. He later repents of both, but it is not clear he might not do it all again. The writing could have been better in that scene, but I didn't think a BL was even capable of such subtle characterisations. Then there is also Yamanaka So as Matsuki -- another strange character. The simultaneous admixture of care and predation, of abuse and regret. His facial expressions were just superb. He convinced me in one minute why someone would *want* to be his pet.
TAEKO: But are we happy with the main actors?
ME: Beppu Yarai is a revelation for me. His eyes dance, his lips seduce, his body invites pity and sorrow. I'm less sure of Sawamura Rei.
TAEKO: I disagree. Rei was a revelation for me. You expect the hardened victim of child abuse and trauma to be this mere carapace of a human being, incapable of a smile, and incapable of hope. Haoren even declares himself to be so. But his actions belie his thought, and Rei captured that very well. And he's not this big, burly, intimidating, "blokey" bloke. His littleness and fragility are precisely what feel are subversive. Plus, you know how I love tiny tops.
ME: You're weird, you are. I still think Rei has been miscast, and, apart from Semantic Error, cannot think of the last time when an idol was good. But what about the show itself? Any reservations?
TAEKO: I found the frequent flashbacks tiresome. Especially when it was repeating the same scenes of abuse. In a short series, every second is precious. I also thought the slaps and the hitting weren't convincing. They needed better stunt coordinators. What about you? Didn't the inner monologues bother you?
ME: I could have done without them. It's a compulsive need the Japanese seem to have to rely more on the manga than on the script or the actors. But I do think that the decision to retain the basic structure of manga/BL storytelling, while trying to fit such an unusual story within it, might have been deliberate.
TAEKO: How so?
ME: Because it is jarring. The whole framework is jarring. The grammar of BL/Manga sets certain expectations for you, and their fossilised vocabularies then provoke predictable reactions to predictable events. Here, however, the grammar is there, but not the vocabulary. So, I don't necessarily feel the way I'm supposed to feel.
TAEKO: That *is* true, actually. I thought the portrayal of abuse was almost cold, clinical. And I didn't necessarily feel I needed to cry or be sad. It made me numb, which is perhaps how Haoren felt. Plus, there was no loud music to tell me how I ought to feel throughout the show.
ME: Can we talk about the music, and how good it is?
TAEKO: You're not going to start singing again, are you?
ME: No, I mean the background music. It wasn't particularly original -- there were those sustained guitar chords for the romance, and the xylophone ripples for Maya -- but it was atmospheric, and at least felt assonant with the plot.
TAEKO: You seem to like the show so much more than I do. Which is surprising. Because if anyone is a cynical arsehole between the two of us, it's you.
ME: Why, thank you. I will admit, I was quite miffed about the sex scenes.
TAEKO: Thank god! Me too. Are white blankets the new pixellation now? What was that?
ME: I agree! The loveless sex scenes were bad enough. But, when they finally make love after Haoren has disclosed his wounds -- and after we have seen a glimpse of both men's curves -- it seemed an act of criminal negligence to just throw a blanket over them. This is where they finally accept each other, their bodies, their love.
TAEKO: What made it worse for me was: after all that boldness on the streets, why the shyness between the sheets? Especially after the fleshlight scene, which was just... heartbreaking. If you can dwell long enough, and graphically enough, on scenes of abuse and violence, you can dwell enough on love. Urgh... Japan.
ME: Not limited to Japan, though, is it? In America, Red, White & Royal Blue, an innocent little gay flick, has the same rating as Django Unchained. Violence is preferable to intimacy, it seems, and straight intimacy to intimacy between men.
TAEKO: Let's not go there. But I'm happy you are so enthusiastic about a show for the first time in ages! I am less enthralled than you, but agree that this is a brilliant show.
ME: I agree. 2024 has been a dud so far. Let's hope this one picks up the slack...
MY HUSBAND (setting the table): Nerds...


PART TWO. (Ep. 7 & 8)

ME (to my husband): Take the rubbish out, will you?
TAEKO: You sound sad, my love.
ME: I am.
TAEKO: Why?
ME: That the series is over. That it made me cry a few times in the last episode. But, above all, that what I feared most still came true: a *precipitous* decline in quality in the last two episodes.
TAEKO: I hate to say this: but I did... Never mind, go on.
ME: Well, let me think: the last episode alone had the noble idiot trope, a forced separation at the train station, the nonsensical suicide of Maya -- which was completely at odds with his characterisation throughout the series -- the brief coming together of all the characters just before the ending... I mean, is that all you have to show of Kaji and Matsuki, two of the best characters in the show? The degree to which it borrowed from the BL trope kit was almost embarrassing.
TAEKO: Yet there were moments that moved you in it?
ME: Yes. Chihiro's face on the train when he realised that Haoren wasn't going to contact him. (Beppu is the saving grace of that episode, despite the director's best efforts to ruin him.) The moment where Haoren finds him on Instagram. The recognition of his own photo at the exhibition (though it was definitely not the photo Chihiro took). The brief cut, in the last scene, where they break the fourth wall (though the direction of it was really, truly awful). What did you think?
TAEKO: It all felt to me terribly rushed. I could barely keep up with all the stabbing and the running and the seaside gallivanting and the running away again and the prison time... It was exhausting. The seals were cute though. And with such logical inconsistencies as Chihiro's sudden success where he had none before (couldn't he have worked and saved up for a camera earlier?), and a mere three-year sentence for attempted murder, my disbelief could no longer be suspended. I'm also afraid I wasn't quite as moved as you with those precious moments, nor as disappointed with others, because my expectations were far lower.
ME: Maybe I just didn't want the final episode to be a complete failure.
TAEKO: What about the penultimate episode? Did you find it just as wanting?
ME: Well, it certainly wasn't memorable. I was really terrified going in -- which is a good thing -- because I knew Maya was gunning for Chihiro, but then it all became deflated like a tyre on road pike, didn't it?
TAEKO: Oh god yes. I watched the stabbing scene with almost Buddhist serenity, though this might be because they spoiled it for us in the trailer, as they did the train scene. The whole interlude between the assault and the stabbing was so odd, and so unconvincingly domestic -- and then, Haoren even used the "it's all my fault" line. Did Nicholas Sparks write this part?
ME: I wish it weren't so, but you're right.
TAEKO: So, no longer among the best of the BLs?
ME: No, no. It did make me cry at the end, which few BLs do. But I don't know why. If I could split it into two series, the first six would get a 9, and the last two would get a 6, which averages out to 7.5. But that still feels a bit generous.
TAEKO: Especially from you, for whom a single scene can sound the death-knell of a series.
ME: Hahaha. True. But I don't think the final episodes of HOTE were done in bad faith -- which is what pissed me off about the final scene of Cherry Magic, for example. So I'm willing to give it more of a pass. How about you?
TAEKO: I'm going to give it a 6 at best, but then, you know I'm a heartless bitch.
ME: Language!
TAEKO: Sorry.
ME: You know what makes me most sad, Taeko? Something told me this was exactly what was going to happen. I feel as if I knew it all along, not least because this is what happens whenever they squeeze a long manga into a short series. It always runs out of steam. Urgh. I hate being right.
TAEKO: You are the modern Cassandra, the entangler of men. Now, we need a good laugh. Shall we hate-watch something together?
ME: As it happens, I have just the thing...

Reader's Digest:
DO SAY: I'm addicted to you...
DON'T SAY: Don't you know that you're toxic?

Leggi di Più

Great Tyme Continuum

Hello, I'm Great! No, I don’t mean I'm doing great (have you seen the show?), but that I am Great! Ummm… no, I'm not saying I'm a great person (have you seen the show?), but my name is Great! Oh… I give up. I’m the crazy cat lady. Happy?

Anyway, what did you make of me and my story? Wasn’t it fun? Admittedly, it isn’t fun to die Tyme and Tyme again for your entertainment, but you knew I was going to live, didn’t you?

I’m grateful to my creators for putting me in one of the *greatest* bodies out there, on whose head not a strand is out of place, and whose body Adonis and Antinous would envy. They also seem to have had a big budget, which they mostly spent on interior design porn, and renting cars from the Fast and the BiCurious outlet mall. *I* have no objections. I do wish the writers had been paid more… Because I really don’t understand who I am, and what has been happening to me. I also didn’t know *how* to feel about what was happening, but fortunately, the background music was always at hand to tell me.

Since I’m now alive — I’m not sure, this might be a Black Mirror kind of situation — I have been lurking around the forums online to find out the truth. I’ve pretty impressed by the hard work of the “fandom”. There are some good theories out there. But I’m still not sure I understand. (I'm a bit thick, you see, but thickness, like size, matters.)

***Ignore the following three paragraphs if pressed for time, or to avoid "plot" details. ***

What I’m most confused about is perspective. So, when I was going into cardiac arrest -- as were Tyme and Tonkla and everyone else who’s ever been shot it would seem -- I had four comatose minutes during which I could see four (?) consequential moments where I could have chosen a less evil path. Fun. I love guilt-tripping. Some, including my maker, Sammon, argue that each of these moments is a pathway to an alternate “reality”, but my physicist friend assures me that this is not how the many-universe theory works. (There, reality splits every measurable moment, because quantum decoupling happens every measurable moment. Besides, neither the heart nor the brain are quantum systems, but... never mind.) Also, can an unconscious person see? Or hear? Or feel? Isn't that an oxymoron? I, for one, certainly don't remember any of it! Before you accuse me of being pedantic, know that Sammon prides herself on her scientific and philosophical sophistication. But the most existential question for me is this: once we do enter this liminal space, and 'choose' an alternate 'reality', what happens to the reality we leave behind? Do I die? Am I dead? Am I Bruce Willis in that movie?

Now, there is also that whole other storyline involving online gambling, TonKla, Korn, Win, and Nan. I know you didn't care for any of it, but bear with me. Did *I* see that too? Did Tyme? Or were their storylines alone real all the time? Are my parents good or bad? If good, why did I see what I did? If bad, why did Tyme see what he did? Fine, let's allow that my perspective and that of an omniscient narrator can co-exist. But then, didn’t TonKla’s dead brother show up at one random point? More confusingly, if the four minutes represent opportunities where deaths could have been prevented, didn’t other deaths happen anyway? Are some lives more worth than others? I mean, I know my beautiful body is worth more than Tyme’s grandmother’s life, or that bastard TonKla's, but still… Am I the asshole? Or is the universe fatalistic all the same, and our subjunctive possibilities mere hallucinations? If so, what’s the fucking point of all this?

Of course, Tyme is still in a huff about the fact that *his* perspective got half a measly episode, but mine got six! Poor TonKla, he fared even worse! While we’re at it, what in crazy cat lady’s name was that last episode all about? I'm so confused, and I don’t know why my creators were in such a hurry to wrap things up. I don't even understand why I'm still alive, and why Tyme's still alive, but not my brother. Why did he have to kill himself? Don't we all have blood on our hands? Also, who chooses these realities for us? Sammon? If so, why choose these, and not one in which my story actually makes sense? As I said, the writers should have been paid more, if they were paid at all. But then, all those “cute” moments between me and Tyme — it satisfied you lot, didn’t it? How many of you screamed at the last shot? Good, I’m happy for you. I'm happy for us too. Not for my brother, though.

*** Here endeth knowledge. ***

I know some of you thought my sex scenes with Tyme were a tad on the soft side. Listen, I know my body, and the fact that I was listening to Limp Bizkit all of next day is no coincidence. Tyme is a Great lover, and he bore his arse out for you: be Greatful. But I will admit, that bastard TonKla stole the show from me. Never trust a power bottom. Were you really surprised when he shot me, and revealed his face in the campest way possible? I’d say I’m glad he’s dead, but, I’d still love to have had a Great Tyme with him and Win and Korn. And yes of course I'd have sex with my murderer if he's hot enough -- ask any self-respecting gay man. Besides, you all saw a flash of JJay's p-JJ, didn't you? How many times did you go back, freeze the frame, and thought to yourself, "I've become my mother"?

Oh, one last thing. Why 4 minutes, you ask? It is, apparently, the length of time it would take for consciousness to fade after the heart stops, during which, you can enter an alternate dimension, alternate reality, alternate universe, or whatever else is alternate. That’s what the last-minute narrator -- where the fuck did she come from? -- says. Turns out, not possible. Anoxia induces loss of consciousness in 6 seconds, and inflicts permanent brain damage within 2 minutes. (You should have seen the first draft of this review. There are parts of my brain to which I no longer have any access.) So, I can only guess that my creators were listening to Madonna on repeat on Spotify as they fell asleep (or while doing cocaine), and concluded, with Mr. Timberlake, there were only 4 minutes left to save the world…

Reader's Digest:
DO SAY: In Search of Lost Tyme
DON'T SAY: The Great Catsby

Leggi di Più

A Recipe for Gastronomic JBLs (II)

Or, How to Rob the Cradle in 7 Gourmet Meals

Ingredients:

For the series:
10-15 year age-gap
6-10 inch height gap
2-4 side characters with no depth or individuality
1 small kitchen
1 knife and 1 pair of ryouribashi (cooking chopsticks)
1 serving (at least) of onigiri
1 serving (at least) of a Western dessert
2-4 instances (at least) of misunderstanding & miscommunication, or forced separation
1 episode of illness or indisposition
Story optional

For each episode:
10 mins. of food porn, of which
2 mins. for broth-based dishes
2 mins. for rice-based dishes
2 mins. for curry or sauce
2 min. for lingering shots of chopping
1 min. for serving
1 min. for presentation
2 min. (at most) of interaction with side characters
Plot and character development optional

For serving:
2-4 shots of chopstick choreography per episode
3-5 near-kisses per series
1 fish-eye or camera-angle non-kiss per series (optional)
Payoff optional

Preparation:
1. Toss the ingredients together in a medium-sized series
2. Be careful to keep the right proportions for each episode
3. Simmer slowly to break down all chemistry and tension
4. Gently stir the camera around the top of the pan and apply suitable filters
5. Decant the bland broth into 25-minute containers
6. Garnish with the non-kiss
7. Serve lukewarm immediately, or tomorrow, or five years from now. It doesn’t matter.

Special Notes for Mitsuya Sensei:
1. I have not seen two actors/characters with less chemistry and less suited for each other since Elon Musk and Grimes. It is the first BL, ever, in which I actively did not want the men to kiss.
2. Yamazaki Masayoshi is an amazing actor, and made the role of Mitsuya his own.
3. Caramel Popcorn is the new birthday cake.
4. The dog was the best thing about the show. Fight me.

Note: This review also appears under Sugar Dog Life, but with a different set of notes.

DO SAY: Itadakimasu.
DON’T SAY: Ittakimasu.

See Also: Sugar Dog Life, Bokura no Shokutaku, Kinou Nani Tabeta, Perfect Propose.

Leggi di Più

Guns and Poses (NSFW)

Warning: This review is rated R for filth, dirt, obscenity and profanity. Caveat lector.

Mani and Pedi are back. I asked my friends, both old-school drag-queens, to watch House of Stars with me. Here is their conversation, edited for clarity. This is a live review, so, it is organised episode by episode.

MANI: So, what are we watching today?
PEDI: House of Stars.
MANI: Is this a sequel to House of Gucci?
PEDI: Gaga… Oo.. Lala.

Episode 1.
MANI (when Suzi arrives on screen): Work! Woooork!
PEDI: She hasn’t even opened her mouth yet, and we know she’s a diva.
MANI: Icon!
PEDI (when Gun arrives): Fuck. Me. Hard. Have I died? Am I in heaven? He is... *hot*.
MANI (dumbstruck): You know what? If he came up to me, and said to me, drink my piss, I’ll drink his piss. I'll say: when's a good time for you? Do you charge by the ounce?
PEDI (laughing): You’re disgusting.
MANI: (when Korn arrives): Okay, I cannot tolerate this level of hotness in one TV show.
PEDI: This feels like a Thai Elite. How gay do we think it’s going to be?

MANI: Girl, this is a Thai BL. Elite had nothing on this.
PEDI (when Wayha and Wayu arrive): Alright, they’re quite cute. But maybe forgettable?
MANI: I don’t know. I’d still fuck them.
PEDI: Or have them fuck you.
MANI: It’s all about give and take in our world.
PEDI (laughing): Ooh, who’s this?

MANI: Pawin.
PEDI (intrigued): He looks sly. Oh, a sly twink. Mama, mark my words. He’s a power bottom. The sower of dis-cord.

MANI: He’s gonna break up Korn from that evil girlfriend, isn’t he?

PEDI (laughing): A Korn thresher! (Laughs at her own joke): We know what’s going to happen, right?
MANI: Dogging?
PEDI laughs. (Later, when Pitch arrives): Pitch? He’s called Pitch?
MANI (when So arrives): And he’s called So. So?
PEDI: Wow, these boys *cannot* act.
MANI: And, compared to the men who came before… they look, ummm, how do I put it politely? Reptilian?
PEDI: Look, Pitch evidently has had too much botulinum toxin injected into his face, and only a So-So man could fall in love with him. Let us be kind.
MANI: I hate to break this to you, but I think Ms Botox and Ms Sourpuss are meant to be together.
PEDI flips the table in anger.

Episode 2 & 3.
PEDI: I don't understand. Is this an agency for actors? Or a whorehouse? Is Suzi an agent, or a pimp?
MANI: A bit of both, I think.
PEDI: Is that why they're all under curfew and house arrest?
MANI (getting up from the sofa when So and Pitch appear): We don’t care about So called Pitch? Okay? I don't care. They cannot act. They are boring. And I hate them. Stop this madness! Stop this gaslighting!
PEDI (unable to stop laughing): This is Pitch Imperfect… No, no wait… Bitch Imperfect.
ME (from the corner): You’re fired.
From this point onwards, whenever So or Pitch arrive on the screen, MANI takes the remote and presses fast forward.

Episode 4.
MANI (seeing Mintra leave): Finally. There is never a bad time for a mother to die in a Thai BL.
PEDI: Ooh, is something gay about to happen?
MANI (as the seduction begins): There you go. Dogging. See?
PEDI: Suzi! You pervert! Stop slivering them.
MANI: You mean the movie Sliver?
PEDI: Yes.
MANI: This is so hot, I’m not gonna lie.
PEDI: What’s there to lie about?
MANI (when they bone again in bed): See, this is true queer representation.
PEDI: What? Sideways cowboy?
MANI: As long it's not missionary... it's queer. (Later, when Wayu and Wayha enter the screen): Oh, I like them. They’re cute. But they don't have any *heat*... Oh wait, he's taking his shirt off. Never mind.
PEDI: Well, here’s a Pitch-er of cold water to ruin everything.

Episode 5
PEDI (seeing Pawin mount Korn): What the... fuck?
MANI (awe-struck): Hang on. Is the actor playing Pawin actually naked?

PEDI (getting very, very close to the TV): Looks like it.
MANI: You’re going to jerk off to this later, aren’t you?

PEDI: Mama, I am a cherry-grove lesbian. I *need* a story to get aroused.
MANI: And this is the one?

PEDI: Yes. And the fact that they are evidently going to get caught only adds to the thrill.
MANI (laughing): So, So? So, we know who the Mask is, right?
PEDI: It’s so obvious, it's not even obvious.
MANI: Well, we’re here for Korn bread. Who cares about the plot it comes from?

PEDI: Good point.

Episode 6
MANI: Nooooooooooo! Leave him alone, you marble-faced Barbie! Gun is ours!!!
PEDI: I didn't think it would be possible. But paired with Pitch, Gun is getting less and less attractive. It's like when your best friend marries an asshole, and she becomes an asshole, and you don't wanna hang out with her anymore? Just like that.
MANI: Urgh. (They skip through their whole failing-in-love montage.) Finally! Korn!
PEDI: Korn keeps us *fed*!
MANI: As he should.
PEDI: Did you notice that he's an oenophile? Always swilling a glass of fine wine?
MANI: Why do I hang out with you?

Episodes 7-8
MANI: The assistant with the power lesbian haircut is quite hot. She deserves her own plotline.
PEDI: I think it’s coming.
MANI: And Suzi knows how to put on a suit! Her stylist needs a raise. Not something I normally say about a Thai BL.
PEDI (seeing Pitch come on screen): Okay, for the rest of this show, we are not talking about Marble Face. Okay? Not even if he’s with Gun. It’s Chekov's anti-Gun. Give me the remote. Move it!
MANI (unable to make sense of the chronology): Who edited this show? Were they in a coma? Were the writers high on cocaine?
PEDI (when Sin arrives on the screen): Ooh, who's the new suit?
MANI: I don’t know. But the man knows how to wear one.
PEDI: It's the long-lost son, isn’t he? There's always a long lost son in Thai lakorns.
MANI (when it is revealed who The Host is): I knew it. I knew it!
PEDI: There’s your plotline.
MANI: Hang on. Is this incest? Is that where it’s going?
PEDI: I doubt it. It’s not from Taiwan. (Later, when Mintra tries to frame Pawin): Really? This is where we’re at? In 2023?

Episode 9
MANI (when Sin declares “I want to ruin everything”): Woooork! Woooooork!
PEDI (when Wayha and Wayu kiss): Awww… Lovely. Let the f*** at it, I say.
MANI: Hang on, hang on, hang on, Wayha, the post-adolescent *man*, has never been kissed before? Are you kidding me?
PEDI: This is BL fantasy, mama. Why are you expecting reality?
MANI: I’m not expecting reality. I just don’t want a teenage girl Wattpad fantasy. Give me sex dungeons and a voucher for Home Depot.
PEDI: A true gay fantasy.
MANI & PEDI together, at the final scene: Noooooooooooooooooo!
MANI: What just happened? Did we lose one of the main reasons we've been watching this show?
PEDI: Aaaaaaaaaargh! Couldn’t they have killed the other Bitch instead?

Episode 10-11:
MANI: Who do you think did it?
PEDI: Not the son. Not the Power Lesbian, obviously.
MANI: It’s the four-eyed assistant. It’s always the quiet, unassuming ones.
PEDI (when Gun confesses to So): Okay, what? He permanently disabled your brother, and you just forgive him? Mama, I’m smell a rat. I think So’s the killer.
MANI: So? So!
PEDI (laughing): Shut up.
MANI: Secret basement? This has gone full on Gothic, Mary.
PEDI: Sin can pull a sweater, let me tell you. Sweaters become him.
MANI: Would you say that he makes you sweat all over?
That he knows his pullovers?
PEDI (laughing): You need help.
MANI (when Host and Sin reveal the truth): Pawin is the only one invested. Look at him acting all shocked. Everyone else? Stone-faced.
PEDI (when the sex scene begins): Mama, is this Star Trek the next generation?
MANI: How do you mean?

PEDI: I mean, this is science fiction, right? Are we really seeing every guy in the house bang each other?
MANI: Except Marble Face and Sourpuss.
PEDI: Oh, put me out of my misery if that happens.
MANI: Mintra, Mintra! You go girl! Finally, some self-respect! (Later): Hang on, did Mintra and the Bottom Bitch just team up against Korn? Woooooork! Wooooooork!
PEDI: Awww… poor Korn.
MANI: This show is magnificent.

Episode 12.
MANI (during the yacht scene): What? What’s happening?
PEDI: We just destroyed a man’s life. I gave a man PTSD. My botox injections went all wrong. Oh, and our agent just died. But hey, let’s paartaaaaay!
MANI (at So): You brought your disabled brother on a yacht? With the man who hit him with his car?
PEDI: Something smells fishy here. And it’s not the sea.
MANI: Don't tell me Suzi really did die due to an allergy! If so, that’s worse than Cersei’s death in GoT.
PEDI: But wait, mama. Did you notice something? Something awesome? We haven’t seen Pitch in the last two episodes… at all. As in, he's gone. Disappeared.
MANI (jumping with joy): You’re right. You’re right! Our prayers have been answered! Praise the lord! The Pitch dropped dead! (Laughs at her own joke.)
PEDI: Do you think he was fired? The actor?
MANI: Why, because he was so bad? Now that you mention it...
PEDI: I hope people wrote to The Hague, because it is a crime against humanity to pair him up with Gun.
MANI (laughing at her own cleverness): I do hear Gun crime is on the rise.
ME (from the corner): You're fired.
PEDI (shocked at the final twist): What???
MANI: Told you!
PEDI: You witch!
MANI: I kind of knew it when So So was looking at the camera — very, very badly, hitting his head against the fourth wall — and talking about how good it would be if everything had a happy ending...
PEDI: Yup. Should have seen it coming. What an ending though!
MANI: This show is pure genius.
PEDI: A work of art.
MANI: Come on, let's watch it again.
PEDI: I'll order pizza.

Reader's Digest:
DO SAY: The Korn Ultimatum
DON’T SAY: So long, Pitch!

Leggi di Più

Freefall, or, Now My Friend Refuses to Talk to Me.

A conversation between me and a friend called Zhuang Zhou:

Part I. Episodes 1-7

ME: There’s a new Taiwanese BL in town!
ZZ: Oh? Is it about stepbrothers?


ME: Ummm…
ZZ: Let’s run through the checklist. Are the leads unusually attractive?


ME: Yes.
ZZ: Is one of them poor, the other one rich?


ME: Yes.
ZZ: Is one of them a taciturn grouch, and the other a happy-go-lucky pout?
ME: Wait…
ZZ: A dead mother, or an absent father?


ME: Both!
ZZ: Does it go from (step) sibling conflict to (step) sibling rivalry to (step) sibling love to (step) sibling banging?


ME: I don’t know about the banging, but the rest of the arc is covered.
ZZ: Is there an outing by the beach, by the river, or in an arcade?


ME: Two out of three!
ZZ: Being pushed against a wall? "Spin the bottle"? "Teach-you-a-lesson" kiss?
ME: Uh-huh.
ZZ: An older, supportive side gay couple?
ME: Yes. But helpfully, they have no individuality so far.
ZZ: Cameos from other TBLs?


ME: Aplenty.
ZZ: A vague attempt at creating a stock villain?
ME: There is this kid who might fit the bill. But his only sin, as far as I can see, is wanting to be the best and popular. So, monster!
ZZ: Loud, intrusive background music?
ME: Yes! Why do TBLs do this? Sometimes, I can't even hear what they're saying.
ZZ: Pity. How about a timejump or a trip abroad?


ME: We aren’t there yet, but it is based on a novel, and the young people who have read it hint at both in the comments.
ZZ: Don't tell me they're going to pull another Addicted or Stay With Me on us.
ME: That's the fear.
ZZ: So tell me why I should watch it.
ME: Well, it is not without charm. The characters are in school, and they are actually shown schooling! You know, books, teachers, homework, and all that stuff which other BLs pretend don’t exist? Plus, in this world, the teenagers do have boners, which, of course, most teenage boys do all the time. (Remember what filth we entertained in our heads?) So, it is not chaste. And the leads do have great chemistry.
ZZ: Tell me why I shouldn’t.
ME: The fans might murder me for this. But the episodes are far too long for what they contain. They could have done each episode in 30 minutes or less (which the Japanese seem able to do effortlessly). I'm not sure what all those lingering shots of nothing accomplished. I love seeing the boys together. But this is not Andrei Rublev.
ZZ: It does sound like it is chock full of the tropiest tropes that ever troped.
ME: Doesn’t matter if done well, though, does it? I myself am a bit divided about the show, but on the whole, I'm rather enjoying it than not.
ZZ: Maybe I’ll give it a go. I’ll call you after it’s done.
ME: Shhhhh…. Don’t let people know we call each other! What will the teenagers on MDL think?
ZZ: Right.


Part II. Episodes 8 & 9

NOTE: ZZ has a very irascible sense of humour. His opinions are not mine :)

ZZ: I hate you.
ME: Why?
ZZ: For making me suffer through this show.
ME: Did you quit?
ZZ: Are you still watching?
ME (shyly): No...
ZZ: You do realise what you've done?
ME: What?
ZZ: You've made me want to quit Taiwanese BLs forever. After you ruined Thai BLs for me forever by recommending that pile of... Never mind.
ME: When did you quit and why?
ZZ: Fifth or sixth episode, I'm not sure.
ME: So soon?
ZZ: What was there to watch? It's every trope in the TBL book, but served half-baked and soaked in maple syrup. The boys were quite cute, yes, but they were clearly 30 playing on 17. Their roles and interactions were stale as last month's loaf. I'm fine with the step-brother trope, but tell me what was subversive about it? What was new? And it was so... slow... It wasn't building up tension. It was acting as a muscle relaxant. Which might be good for Wang, because he's clearly the bottom, but I kept falling asleep. What did you see in this?
ME: Just lots of lovely moments. Tenderness. Hope for a beautiful romance. Unlike you. Who has an iceberg for a heart.
ZZ: Which made you overlook all the bad signs posted along the way. Well, was it worth it?
ME: To be honest, I no longer know. Why couldn't they leave well enough alone? Things were good (for me) until Ep. 7. Then, at the end of Ep. 8, the boys move in together, and what should have been a beautiful moment was ruined by such an awful loud soundtrack that I thought, this has all the subtlety of a hangnail. It was a bad sign. Then Ep. 9 came and... I needed to be put out of my misery.
ZZ: What happened?
ME: Oh, ZeeZee. It was baaaaaad... an absurd kidnapping plot, strange bisexual love triangles between teachers without any palpable tension, students mooning their teachers, 25 minutes of a school sports day... IBS would look at that episode and say, that's bloated. I couldn't go on. But I hear that there was a bandit in the 10th episode, who provides the only possible excuse for our boys to finally sleep in the same bed together.
ZZ: Because you know... Wang, despite his build, is as helpless and maladroit as if he's always about to walk on a banana peel...
ME: Yes. The poor thing kept spraining his ankles. Despite fighting off thugs three episodes earlier, he's still afraid of sleeping alone with all that banditry.
ZZ: I told you. This is BL by the numbers. Why won't anyone listen to me? Have you been spoiled the ending? Was I right to predict a time-jump and a forced separation?
ME: It seems so. Which is why I quit. Either they will have to get precipitously to a happy ending, or, they'll do a cliff-hanger and wait for a second season. I'm not sure I wanted to stay for either. Do you think I should have?
ZZ: I don't know, and I don't care... I'm going to go sink into my bed like a hippopotamus and stuff myself with a Victoria sponge cake. Now, go away.

P. S. I did go back for the last episode, eventually. The ending was just... unforgivable.

Reader's Digest:
DO SAY: You're the On1y One.
DON'T SAY: I am the One & On1y...

Leggi di Più

Great Tyme Continuum (With no added sultriness)

Hello, I'm Great! No, I don’t mean I'm doing great (have you seen the show?), but that I am Great! Ummm… no, I'm not saying I'm a great person (have you seen the show?), but my name is Great! Oh… I give up. I’m the crazy cat lady. Happy?

Anyway, what did you make of me and my story? Wasn’t it fun? Admittedly, it isn’t fun to die Tyme and Tyme again for your entertainment, but you knew I was going to live, didn’t you?

I’m grateful to my creators for putting me in one of the *greatest* bodies out there, on whose head not a strand is out of place, and whose body Adonis and Antinous would envy. They also seem to have had a big budget, which they mostly spent on interior design porn, and renting cars from the Fast and the BiCurious outlet mall. *I* have no objections. I do wish the writers had been paid more… Because I really don’t understand who I am, and what has been happening to me. I also didn’t know *how* to feel about what was happening, but fortunately, the background music was always at hand to tell me.

Since I’m now alive — I’m not sure, this might be a Black Mirror kind of situation — I have been lurking around the forums online to find out the truth. I’ve pretty impressed by the hard work of the “fandom”. There are some good theories out there. But I’m still not sure I understand. (I'm a bit thick, you see, but thickness, like size, matters.)

***Ignore the following three paragraphs if pressed for time, or to avoid "plot" details. ***

What I’m most confused about is perspective. So, when I was going into cardiac arrest -- as were Tyme and Tonkla and everyone else who’s ever been shot it would seem -- I had four comatose minutes during which I could see four (?) consequential moments where I could have chosen a less evil path. Fun. I love guilt-tripping. Some, including my maker, Sammon, argue that each of these moments is a pathway to an alternate “reality”, but my physicist friend assures me that this is not how the many-universe theory works. (There, reality splits every measurable moment, because quantum decoupling happens every measurable moment. Besides, neither the heart nor the brain are quantum systems, but... never mind.) Also, can an unconscious person see? Or hear? Or feel? Isn't that an oxymoron? I, for one, certainly don't remember any of it! Before you accuse me of being pedantic, know that Sammon prides herself on her scientific and philosophical sophistication. But the most existential question for me is this: once we do enter this liminal space, and 'choose' an alternate 'reality', what happens to the reality we leave behind? Do I die? Am I dead? Am I Bruce Willis in that movie?

Now, there is also that whole other storyline involving online gambling, TonKla, Korn, Win, and Nan. I know you didn't care for any of it, but bear with me. Did *I* see that too? Did Tyme? Or were their storylines alone real all the time? Are my parents good or bad? If good, why did I see what I did? If bad, why did Tyme see what he did? Fine, let's allow that my perspective and that of an omniscient narrator can co-exist. But then, didn’t TonKla’s dead brother show up at one random point? More confusingly, if the four minutes represent opportunities where deaths could have been prevented, didn’t other deaths happen anyway? Are some lives more worth than others? I mean, I know my beautiful body is worth more than Tyme’s grandmother’s life, or that bastard TonKla's, but still… Am I the asshole? Or is the universe fatalistic all the same, and our subjunctive possibilities mere hallucinations? If so, what’s the fucking point of all this?

Of course, Tyme is still in a huff about the fact that *his* perspective got half a measly episode, but mine got six! Poor TonKla, he fared even worse! While we’re at it, what in crazy cat lady’s name was that last episode all about? I'm so confused, and I don’t know why my creators were in such a hurry to wrap things up. I don't even understand why I'm still alive, and why Tyme's still alive, but not my brother. Why did he have to kill himself? Don't we all have blood on our hands? Also, who chooses these realities for us? Sammon? If so, why choose these, and not one in which my story actually makes sense? As I said, the writers should have been paid more, if they were paid at all. But then, all those “cute” moments between me and Tyme — it satisfied you lot, didn’t it? How many of you screamed at the last shot? Good, I’m happy for you. I'm happy for us too. Not for my brother, though.

*** Here endeth knowledge. ***

I know some of you thought my sex scenes with Tyme were a tad on the soft side. Listen, I know my body, and the fact that I was listening to Limp Bizkit all of next day is no coincidence. Tyme is a Great lover, and he bore his arse out for you: be Greatful. But I will admit, that bastard TonKla stole the show from me. Never trust a power bottom. Were you really surprised when he shot me, and revealed his face in the campest way possible? I’d say I’m glad he’s dead, but, I’d still love to have had a Great Tyme with him and Win and Korn. And yes of course I'd have sex with my murderer if he's hot enough -- ask any self-respecting gay man. Besides, you all saw a flash of JJay's p-JJ, didn't you? How many times did you go back, freeze the frame, and thought to yourself, "I've become my mother"?

Oh, one last thing. Why 4 minutes, you ask? It is, apparently, the length of time it would take for consciousness to fade after the heart stops, during which, you can enter an alternate dimension, alternate reality, alternate universe, or whatever else is alternate. That’s what the last-minute narrator -- where the fuck did she come from? -- says. Turns out, not possible. Anoxia induces loss of consciousness in 6 seconds, and inflicts permanent brain damage within 2 minutes. (You should have seen the first draft of this review. There are parts of my brain to which I no longer have any access.) So, I can only guess that my creators were listening to Madonna on repeat on Spotify as they fell asleep (or while doing cocaine), and concluded, with Mr. Timberlake, there were only 4 minutes left to save the world…

Reader's Digest:
DO SAY: In Search of Lost Tyme
DON'T SAY: The Great Catsby

Leggi di Più

Drama Queens: A Cosplay

I asked two friends of mine, both old-school drag queens, and both with excellent make-up skills, to watch Cosmetic Playlover. Here is an excerpt of their conversation, edited for clarity.

MANI: Is this for real? This show?
PEDI: What do you mean?
MANI: Did we really just watch a Japanese BL about two gays behind a Sephora counter?
PEDI: Who knew? Who knew they had such dramatic lives?
MANI: What dramatic life? Apart from whatever’s going on with Natsume’s hair?

PEDI: That *is* a disaster, isn’t it? He stares at a mirror all day long... Did it not occur to him, at least once, to think, "hang on, my wig looks like it was sheared by a British dentist"?
MANI (laughing): The tall one, Toma, is it? His ain’t much better. But he’s so gorgeous that he can get away with it. He can get away with anything.
PEDI: He does.
MANI: By the way, in what world does a former supermodel work behind a makeup counter? Can you imagine Naomi Campbell working for Chanel at Macy's or Harrod's?

PEDI: Or Romy Féerique... Fun fact. Féerique is French for fairy. 

MANI: Now why would you know that?
PEDI: Because I’m a fairy, Mary.
MANI: Well, I'll tell you one thing, I'm not sure these two fairies deserve their own show. They are not funny, they are not sassy, they don't gossip... I'm sorry, but these are not interesting people. Beautiful, but not interesting. They take themselves way too seriously. And the show takes itself way too seriously.
PEDI: I mean, could the stakes be any lower? Let's face it. They're not doing neurosurgery here. Do you think the Gucci girl behind the counter has the time to take clinical notes on each woman who comes to her for free make-up? Also, silent callers? Hate mail? What is this, 2006? All because Mr Dimple Cheeks “poached” a “make-up client”. Who is this client? Sultan of Brunei?
MANI: If he did poach him, he’d be doing us all a favor. By the way, I don’t remember us taking an exam to become a “make-up expert”. Do you?
PEDI: Ummm, yes we did. Remember when we first went out in drag 20 years ago, and no one punched us in the face? That was the exam.
MANI (laughing): I mean, do people in Japan really take make-up this seriously?
PEDI: The straight women who wrote this thing do. I’m absolutely certain... certain... that whoever wrote the manga wrote the first draft by imagining herself as the female lead, and then replaced herself with Natsume.
MANI: Which, I think, is how most BLs are written.
PEDI: I don’t think we, as drag queens, are in any position to judge that.
MANI (laughing): No, I will say though, I was surprised by the heat levels in this show. The kisses were quite hot.
PEDI: Yes. But the villains were not.
MANI: Except for the one skinny guy who now makes a regular appearance in JBLs. He’s in Smells Like Green Spirit, and that teacher-student BL. Whatchamacallit?
PEDI: I know who you mean. He’s good. He served some real camp goodness. He's very good. And hot.
MANI: Toma’s brother?
PEDI: Not.
MANI: Remind me again, why does he come between the leads?
PEDI: I... don’t know. I don’t remember. Something about their parents being in New York, and wanting him to run the family business... Listen, mama, there’s more drama between my fake eyelashes than there is in the entirety of this show. Here’s the thing. If I was a hot Japanese ex-supermodel, and my family lived in New York, I’m taking Mr Dimple Cheeks with me, getting gay married at the Plaza, and buying an apartment in Chelsea.
MANI: Are you kidding? You’ll be catnip for the polyamorous gays. Sniffies will crash.
PEDI (laughing): Exactly. These two though, they wanna play husband and wife in Tokyo. The vibe is very old-school JBL...
MANI: Ah, the monologues, the monologues... Because, you know, characters in JBL don’t believe in talking to each other, but they’ll happily talk to us, invisible people.
PEDI: Yes! And then with the pushing against the wall, the cartoon villains, the shy maiden trope...
MANI: Again, because if there’s one thing we know about same-sex sex in BL world, it is that bottoms don’t want tops to top them…
PEDI: See, I don’t get that. I can't think of a single bottom in my life who won't jump on a hot top when he sees one. Hell, even a mediocre top! I don’t get that whole patriarchal “you belong to me” crap either.
MANI: I thought that went out with All About Eve.
PEDI: This is All About Steve.
MANI (laughing): I don’t mind the old-school vibe though. It’s fun. Loved that kiss against the background of fireworks... Ham-fisted symbolism? So sexy. Also, I kept imagining myself as Sponge Bob Hair Cut, and wanting to be pulled and hugged by the hot one and have my lips smashed. If that tall slice of meat were to come up to me and say, “you belong to me”, I’ll throw myself at him.
PEDI: Except you’ll cause an accident with those fake boobs...
MANI: What if it turns him on? 

PEDI: That means you've died and gone to heaven.
MANI (laughing): This show is absolutely ridiculous.
PEDI: And hot.
MANI: And ridiculous.
PEDI: And stupid.
MANI: And ridiculous.
PEDI: And surprisingly watchable.
MANI: Do you think Netflix will pay us to watch BLs like they do Trixie and Katya?

PEDI: Only if it’s a podcast.

Reader's Digest:
DO SAY: Maybe she's born with it.
DON'T SAY: Maybe it's Maybelline.

Leggi di Più

Ten short sermons on how (not) to write (a BL)

1. If you're going to write a show where music is an important theme, the characters' fingers must at least touch the instruments convincingly. A few piano lessons (or guitar lessons) will go a long way.

2. A show about musicians must be, well, musical. No amount of autotuning, or a liberal sprinkling of English words, can conceal a fundamental want of talent.

3. A rock star -- even a grieving washed-up rock star -- is allowed to age without unkempt unshampooed undeloused hair. It is unforgiveable to make Charles Tu look that ugly. Even more unforgivable to use a wig that looks like it was the sole survivor of a tornado that had ripped through a FujoCon.

4. Bowl cuts are not markers of youth. Anymore than manbuns are markers of midlife crises.

5. Still on the subject of hair, are blonde mullets a thing now? Does anyone find them attractive? Orca, if you want to know why Reese is resisting, just look in the mirror.

6. Reese, my love, are you alright? You know you *can* shag that man, the one who thought it fit to add blonde extensions to his otherwise perfect hair, a stray strand of which, for the billionth time in BL, you felt the need to tenderly push away while he was asleep. (Sea, you did this too! In the same episode!) I know that blindness caused by a lock of hair is endemic to BL, and often fatal. But Reese, if you can tolerate that mullet, you must truly be in love. You do you.

7. If you're going to have more than a few supporting characters in a story, give them more individuality than a side-couple with no dramatic interest, a straight pair who are just supportive friends, and a dead brother whose main purpose is to be dead.

8. People don't need loud background music to tell them how they should feel. People know how to feel -- assuming that the actors and the script are any good. In a show where music is the main theme, it's just self-defeating.

9. Sassy secretaries are awesome. Use them more.

10. Don't worry about age-gaps or height-gaps. They are beloved for a reason. However, be subversive. Make the short twink the top, and the tall washed-up rock star the bottom. Then get a bowl of popcorn and enjoy the pandaemonium that follows. (But please don't save that bowl for another haircut.)

Reader's Digest:
DO SAY: If music be the food of love...
DON'T SAY: Play on.

Leggi di Più

Unforgotten Bite

Alright, hear me out. I quite enjoyed this. Well, half of it. Well, maybe a third of it.

There was a period when chaste, homophobic KBLs were getting on my last nerve, and I decided I won't watch any BLs without at least a bit of tongue-lashing, and so, I stumbled upon this. With generous skipping, I thought of it as a Thai Pinku Eiga, which made it a lot more fun.

Don't be under any illusion: this is very, very, very, very, very, very bad. Very.

But... was I amused to see a virgin twin(k) ride a hot stud like an acrobatic rodeo two minutes after saying, "I've never done this before"? Yes.

Was I also amused to see the other twin(k) be railed by another hot dude (my fave) on the kitchen table... twice? Also yes.

Did I hate that horrible loincloth on one of the twinks during that stairway two-way? Absolutely.

Was I also left with an idiotic smile at the end of it all, with a welcome reminder that characters in a BL can unapologetically enjoy sex -- something a lot of supposedly "good" BLs still have on their to-do list? Believe it.


***
Notes:
1. The score for acting/cast is based purely on the hotness of the actors, which, I know, is very deep of me.
2. The score for "rewatch value" is also based on hotness, but of the sex scenes, which, to be fair, ought to be deep.
3. I don't know that there was any *music*, but I remember seeing guitars -- this being a Thai BL, after all -- and promptly muted my computer.
4. As for story, it is as good as you get in any soft porn. Which is to say, non-existent. It did convince me to go to Japan, though!


***
Reader's Digest:
DO SAY: Don't you ever tell me... Love isn't true... It's just something that we do.
DON'T SAY: Let's ride this train... coming around the bend... I know it's coming again.

Leggi di Più

Fox Hunting: An Explanatory Review

For those who want a capsule review of the movie, here it is: the first act is genuinely scary, and makes for a very good horror film; the second act is less scary, but is full of complex political and historical allegories; and the final act is disappointing, both as a story and as a horror film.

Is the film still worth watching? Absolutely. Do you want to know why? Read on.

I won’t speak much about the horror element of the film. It is of course the binding thread of the whole story, and is, for the most part, enjoyable. There are some genuinely scary moments in the first half of the film, and I shall leave the readers to taste it for themselves. What I will speak about, below, is what makes the film interesting beyond that, and what seems to escape the notice of most people.

In my view, the backbone of the film is the history of the relationship between Japan and Korea. In particular, it involves the progressive colonisation and annexation of the Korean Empire into the Japanese Empire from around 1905 till 1945, and the Korean collaborators who enabled it. Hence all the references to the backbone of the peninsula, the view of North Korea from the grave site, and the Japanese Empire. Remember the very first line of the film? Hwa-rim tells the stewardess that she was Korean, not Japanese, but says so in Japanese. It sets out the whole theme of the film. (Japanese was imposed on Korea during colonisation, and became the national language.)

The most obvious visual metaphor of the film is this: if you dig up the past, be prepared to face the consequences. The first family which performs the exhumation is that of a collabarator: probably an Iljinhoe who sold out Korea to Japan for material gain. (Before coming under Japanese protectorate, Korea struggled to gain access to international markets.) The family got rich by it, but surrendering to an evil power has a cost, which will be exacted.

The film is not always subtle in its political and historical allegories. I almost laughed when one of the shamans said Japanese ghosts have no pity and will kill anything in its way. But it also speaks to a truth: Japan still does not acknowledge any of its war crimes, or the ruthlessness of its torture and killings in its colonies. At the same time, the idea of a fox severing the tiger’s belly, and the references to Gisune (cf. Japanese kitsune, meaning fox), can only refer to Japan’s role in tearing Korea apart. The shape of the Korean peninsula is often visualised as a tiger, and it is the Japanese Fox which instructs the planting of the iron spikes (katanas?).

The spiritual allegories are more subtle. On the one hand, all the ceremonies and rituals (some of which are superbly done) derive from Korean folklore and Buddhism. There is a Christian in the film, but he does not condemn these as heathenism, and it is not clear what his religion is able to offer as protection. (A metaphor on America's readiness to ignore Japanese war crimes?) On the other, the rituals represent the only spiritual and cultural connection to the past, in a place that has been disrupted by war and occupation. Hence the Hanzi/Kanji tattoos, inscriptions and scriptures, and why the samurai is unable to tear through Bong-gil’s body. Modernity (including Hangeul script) is inadequate to deal with the ghosts from the past.

Unfortunately, all of this falls apart a bit in the last half an hour, and I can’t see the vanquishing of the demon using Feng Shui as anything but a deus ex machina -- and a silly one at that. It’s also a bit too neat that the collaborator’s family pays, while our ghost busters survive. (I must say, these are some of the most attractive shamans I have ever seen!) That said, this film has a lot more on its mind than to simply scare its viewers. For those who are familiar with, or willing to learn something about, Korean history, it is quite a rewarding watch.

P. S. Needless to say, the theories and the interpretation offered above are mine and mine alone, so, if you feel I've gotten something wrong, feel free to let me know.

Reader's Digest:
DO SAY: Tyger, Tyger, Burning Bright
DON'T SAY: Special Agent Fox Mulder, FBI

Leggi di Più

Hearing Gayed. Broken.

The following conversation took place this week between me (a gay man) and a friend of mine (a straight woman who’s hard of hearing). We sometimes watch BLs together. (Note: This conversation was first posted on Reddit, but felt more appropriate here.)

ME: So, what do you think (of Hidamari)?

SHE: What do *I* think? With all this praise from everyone, everywhere, all at once, you’d think this was the second coming of Christ!

ME: Tell me about it. I think there has been a sprinkling of healthy scepticism on Reddit, but it’s out and out war on the pages of MDL.

SHE: Let me guess. Between those who think it’s a disability drama, and those who think it’s BL?

ME: Bingo!

SHE: Are there any who think it’s bad at both?

ME: Ummm… you?

SHE: Bingo!

ME: There is also that other, internecine war on MDL: between that group of mostly young, mostly female population who want a chaste, aching BL, and the older gays who, understandably, don’t want the sex erased from homosexuality.

SHE: Well, you know whose side I am on.

ME: Mine, I hope. Anyway, do spill.

SHE: As you know, I don’t think art needs to be representational at all. It is not anyone’s duty to represent anything. But, insofar as people think that this show ‘represents’ disability, it is a miserable failure. Not least because it is primarily a plot device, whose purpose is to sow misunderstanding and miscommunication between our boys. As if Japanese characters don’t do enough of that to themselves already. Apparently, deaf people can’t communicate because… well… they can’t hear well. Get it? How original! Have you ever known me to be non-communicative?

ME: If only.

SHE: Might I remind you that you gave me your number? Anyway, I know I'm oversimplifying matters... but not that much. The idea that people hard of hearing cannot reach out, or do not reach out, out of fear, failure of confidence, or low self-esteem, is just so old and tired, I'm quite sick of it. Our lives are richer than that. There is nothing we want more than be part of the world, and we are often better communicators for it. I don't know if Kohei's syndrome was more cultural or physiological, but either way, he made me quite angry with all that self-pity. A highly unattractive trait in a man. At least Taichi brought a measure of joy and innocence into the drama -- and Kobayashi is an amazing actor -- but soon I grew weary of his naïveté too. He's so dense that even light would bend around him. I was patient enough of all this for the first few episodes, but then they brought in Maya...

ME: Who, by the way, has a lot of defenders.

SHE: Of course she does. Another straight, evil woman who comes in between the boys in a BL? It's revolutionary, I tell you.

ME: She transcends that trope, apparently...

SHE: By, let me guess, being deaf and having a sad past? Yay! Deaf people can be evil too! I feel seen! That’s true representation! Trope? What trope?

ME: I get it. I get it. Also, it's not as if either of us are against tropes, when done well. I seem to remember you did love Heart and Li Ming in Moonlight Chicken.

SHE: Oh, that was wonderful. I was swooning over them, and wondering where the fuck was my Li Ming. Was it good “representation”? No. (Let's face it, nor is Hidamari.) Was it “realistic”? No. (Again, nor is Hidamari.) But was it full of joy? Yes! Was it full of chemistry and sensuality and longing? Yes. Did it show that deaf people can be fun and joyous too and want rampant sex and can make fun of ourselves? Yes, yes, yes. It didn’t even have a proper kiss, and yet managed to be so full of physicality. Which emotionally starved fuck-up wrote this script?

ME: I’d rather not go into it.

SHE: Was the person who wrote the manga hard-of-hearing?

ME: I don’t know. I didn't think it mattered.

SHE: Good. Better that way. Because if I found out that they were, I might be tempted to cut them some slack, and I don't want to. I want to preserve my unrighteous indignation.

ME: When did you first become suspicious that the show was going to be a damp squib?

SHE: Shall we say it together?

BOTH: The kiss!

ME: Yes!

SHE: What a cop off!

ME: People tried to justify it, you know. Everywhere. The pearl-clutchers came up with all sorts of explanations. I just couldn’t accept it. At all. This is 20-fucking-24! It smelt too much of cowardice to me. If not institutional homophobia.

SHE: Thank god I can still smell.

ME: Indeed, and my tastebuds are thankful for it. But yes, it was a symbol, a symbol of oncoming failure of imagination, a lack of daring. I knew at that point that they were going to take the easy way out. I mean, the show had so many good things at the beginning. The set-up, the acting, the natural fluidity of presence between Kohei and Taichi. What happened?

SHE: Multitasking never works. Trust me. Not even for women. The show was vacillating from theme to theme, character to character, without knowing what it wanted to say, or show. In other words, the definition of a bad script, which no acting, however good, can redeem. It had no focus.

ME: And the focus should have been on love.

SHE: Yes. Why else are we here?

ME: You mean on earth, or in the BL world?

SHE: What’s the difference?

ME: I’m going to block you now.

SHE: Don’t. Then I have to talk to my husband. I'm just saying that if they wanted to marry the idea of love and hardness-of-hearing, they shouldn't have resorted to such cheap tricks as introducing Maya, or just make misunderstanding the whole machinery of the show. I could practically hear the plot creaking. Ironically...

ME: No wonder you bought me lube for my last birthday. When did you throw in the towel then?

SHE: An episode or two after Maya came in. You?

ME: The episode where Maya came in.

SHE: You quit sooner? That almost never happens!

ME: Yes, but I have been keeping up with discussions on MDL — you know I’m a masochist — and Reddit, and it has been going exactly where I thought it would go. I knew the romance would disappear, I knew that there would be no further intimacy, I knew that Maya would occupy too much time… it all came true. I have developed a sixth sense for turgid BLs.

SHE: And you call me harsh.

ME: I'll do one better and call the ending now. There will be a time-jump, there will be another almost near-miss, there will be an “I’ve loved you all along” realisation, and then the worst bad-angle, fish-eyed kiss imaginable. You know, with the kind of chemistry that causes asphyxiation? Or death by proptosis? That is, of course, if there is a kiss at all. Maybe they'll end it with a low-five.

SHE: What is a low-five?

ME: Where they just hug, or briefly hold hands, and as soon as their hands move downwards, they go: Ewww... gay.

SHE: I've taught you well. And I bet they’ll try to redeem Maya too.

ME: Like Tong in whatchamacallit.

SHE: My Stand-in?

ME: Sorry, I’m too busy.

SHE: What are you watching now?

ME: Happy of the End. Terrible title, but it is sooo good! I'm hoping it will redeem JBL for me this year. You?

SHE: 4Minutes, mainly to see Fuaiz being a power-bottom. I'm hoping that, in the finale, he'll be railed to death by Win and Korn, and maybe have a Great Tyme too.

ME: I’m still waiting for a Thai power couple named Gang & Bang.

SHE: One can only hope. On which note…


Reader's Digest:
DO SAY: What's your love language?
DON'T SAY: What's love in sign language?

Leggi di Più

Good Guy, My Loss

A Review in Two Letters

Letter 1. From James/Elyes to Me:

Dear Meng,

Forgive me for not writing sooner, but, something strange is going on. As you know, I left Auckland to take up a new position in Bangkok, and I was really looking forward to it. However, since coming here, my world has turned upside down. Completely. I fear I may have left the real world behind, and might now be the lead in a Thai BL. Is this a good thing? Or bad? Help!

Since I stepped foot in this beautiful country, people keep calling me handsome. It has never happened before. Men, women, children, pigeons... they all call me handsome. That was the first clue. I have also lost most of my body fat. You can now see muscles in my body that I did not know existed. Then there is my skin. You’d think that, even with sunscreen, my translucent skin would become more and more tanned, being this close to the equator. But, if you can believe it, I’ve become paler. I suspect someone has been applying a thick coat of make-up on me when I'm asleep, all over my body, and it refuses to come off when I shower. You’d also think that the humidity of Bangkok would mess up my hair into unmanageable frizz. But no, every strand perfectly falls into place, even when it's wet with lube or shampoo.

I am the head of a company whose name I do not know, and whose business I do not understand. I wear suits. It is 35 C outside and I wear suits. I do not sweat. For some reason, I also cannot button up my shirt. Every time I try, it keeps unbuttoning itself, sometimes down to my waist. I go up to my colleagues showing my nipples and navel. Is this sexual harrassment?

I have an assistant. His name is Pat. At this time, I’m pretty sure we have an abusive relationship. I think I’m still gay in this world, or at least bi, but I’m not allowed to say it. Everytime I try to, someone chokes my throat. Not sure who. (Also, all the men in this world seem to be gay, except for one friend of Pat’s. Who would have thought it? Gay friends are no longer the side-kicks, but straight men are. Progress?) Anyway, this assistant does not to do any company work. He just manages my sex life. Which, I think, takes up a good chunk of my waking hours. I know he’s in love with me, and I like him too, so it is only fitting that I treat him horribly, and make him cater to my every whim. I am obsessive, possessive, and controlling, and I'm pretty sure I'm gaslighting him too. I suspect I'll be stalking him soon, then abduct him, and keep him under house arrest. All very romantic. But he loves it... I think. Weirdly, I have this other fuckbuddy named Kim who’s much hotter, and way better in bed. Pat, by comparison, is stiff as a board, and resists me like a Victorian virgin. Yet, the BL gods have willed it that I must lust after this wet blanket.

I keep falling ill. Pat keeps falling ill. We both keep fainting, often from a cold, often caught from a single drop of rain. But we don’t go to the doctors. Oh no. We unbutton our shirts instead (in my case, there's just one button left), and we gently rub each other’s white-as-chalk chests -- and, weirdly, our knee-pits, which is apparently an erogenous zone here -- with wet towels. I suppose leeches and blood-letting are no longer sexy.

Am I the arsehole here? You don’t need to ask Reddit. I am. Yet I’m sure there’s a reason for it, and a past will be revealed which will perfectly justify my present behaviour. Until then, I’ll have to put up with everyone calling me a “red flag”. Which is fine, because I hate "green flags". Only, I’m not sure I want to stay here. I know, it’s a pretty cushy life I have right now. I'm rich, hot, immensely fuckable, and answerable to no one. Who’d want to give all that up? But it sits so oddly with the world of today, and the person I was, that my conscience might not permit it. We shall see.

I’ll write if I have any updates. Pray for me.

Love,
J./E.

*****

Letter 2. From me to Elyes

Dear Elyes,

You will notice that I'm no longer calling you by your birth name, because I've been waiting for a reply to my last three letters, and have received none. I must presume therefore that you have now embraced your new identity, and are completely of the BL world, with no access to reality whatsoever.

To be honest, I'm not upset. I rather envy you. You get to live in a world where homophobia does not exist, the majority of men are gay, and straight people exist just to support you. A photographic negative, in other words, of the real world. As you say, you are rich, handsome, and attractive to anything that can breathe, and the writers make sure that, however horrible you are to people, you will always win, and you will always get a happy ending. There is, admittedly, a Mephistophelean bargain here: you've been reduced to a mere stick figure without any psychological depth or complexity, upon whom is foisted the most boring of lives, and the most nauseating of words. Worse, all the people around you suffer for it. But you don't care, the writers don't care, and the audience who eat this up certainly don't care. They'll "ship" you no matter what.

I was, for a moment, sad for you, because you are now trapped within the confines of this world, and must live out the same segments of your new so-called life over and over again. But then, you get to be perpetually young, and perpetually rich, and perpetually happy, while others around you, including the man you supposedly love, get perpetually marginalised, hurt, or shoved aside. I suppose that, at least, is a faithful enough reflection of the real world.

I'm glad you got to escape our mundane realities, and gladder still for the fantasy you get to live out. However, I have lost you as a friend, and I won't see you again. The fact that the writers wrote you into this kind of cheap, derivative, nonsensical world, instead of creating a fantasy that is less demeaning to others, more worthy of you, and had greater ambitions, makes me very, very angry. I'm angrier still that Thai BL has decided that such stories, which they keep churning out at the rate of one a week, is all that its audience deserves. Each new series promises a new world, and new friendships, only to rob us of both. It has gotten very tiresome, and I can't take this anymore. I have decided to quit your whole world for good.

I'm sorry if this sounds rather wistful, if not bitter. Call it grief. I don't know if this letter will ever reach you. But I do hope you are happy. I shall miss you. And I shall miss the best days of Thai BL.

Take care, my friend.

Love,
Meng.


Reader's Digest:
DO SAY: Blame it on the Bossa Nova
DON'T SAY: Where's HR?

Leggi di Più

The Ten Commandments of KBLs

These are the commandments that have been handed down to us by the gods of Korean BLs. They shall be the commandments by which the present and all future KBLs may be judged.

1. Thou shalt not kiss. Thou shalt not, in any meaningful sense of that word, "kiss". Thou mayst, however, press thy lips against another man’s as you would a leper’s.

2. Thou shalt not utter the word ‘gay’. For it is a sin. Thou mayst love another man, but if any man shall ask of you if you do, thou mayst answer, “I like not men, I like only you.”

3. Thou shalt refrain from all carnal desires. For it is a sin. The submissive shall resist all attempts at intimacy, and the dominant may not pursue the submissive unless it is known that all his attempts shall prove fruitless. (Aptly mayst thou call this 'ironical'.)

4. Thou shalt respect the difference in height between the dominant and the submissive. Six inches will suffice, a foot too much, three inches too little. As below, so above.

5. Remember thou that there exist only three acceptable settings for a KBL. School, university, and office. For these do encompass all of life. Thou shalt invest thy characters in white jackets with blue borders if at school, leather jackets and hooded sweaters at university, and ill-fitted suits for work.

6. Remember thou that there exist only three acceptable plots for a KBL. Friends to lovers, enemies to lovers, and (adopted) brothers to lovers. Thou shalt entertain no other plots besides these.

7. Thou shalt employ no actor that is not thin, wanting of water, and starved for nutriments. The actors must have defined chests, six (or better yet, eight) pack abdominals, and flawless skin. Thou mayst coat the skin with three inches of wall paint to whitewash all flaws.

8. The writer shall inscribe in each tale at least one instance of timejump, forced separation or miscommunication. The unimaginative shall employ all three.

9. Thou shalt choose from among the following ornaments at least three to embellish thy tale: the slipping towel, the towel bath, an accidental fall or catch, sleeping-beauty false-kiss, somnolent confession, gentle lock-of-hair restoration, alcoholic amnesia, and rain-born fever.

10. Thou shalt by no means indicate homophobia in thy tale — in this, our most homophobic realm — unless it furthereth thy plot and our cynical purpose. Friends and family shall be universally supportive, unless it force a separation between thy characters. Remember thou always that this is a world of pandering fantasy, not reality.

Note: The ratings are provisional. For each commandment broken, I'll add half a star to the rating. If there's a proper kiss, I'll add a whole star.

Leggi di Più