Warning: This review is rated R for filth, dirt, obscenity and profanity. Caveat lector.

Mani and Pedi are back. I asked my friends, both old-school drag-queens, to watch House of Stars with me. Here is their conversation, edited for clarity. This is a live review, so, it is organised episode by episode.

MANI: So, what are we watching today?
PEDI: House of Stars.
MANI: Is this a sequel to House of Gucci?
PEDI: Gaga… Oo.. Lala.

Episode 1.
MANI (when Suzi arrives on screen): Work! Woooork!
PEDI: She hasn’t even opened her mouth yet, and we know she’s a diva.
MANI: Icon!
PEDI (when Gun arrives): Fuck. Me. Hard. Have I died? Am I in heaven? He is... *hot*.
MANI (dumbstruck): You know what? If he came up to me, and said to me, drink my piss, I’ll drink his piss. I'll say: when's a good time for you? Do you charge by the ounce?
PEDI (laughing): You’re disgusting.
MANI: (when Korn arrives): Okay, I cannot tolerate this level of hotness in one TV show.
PEDI: This feels like a Thai Elite. How gay do we think it’s going to be?

MANI: Girl, this is a Thai BL. Elite had nothing on this.
PEDI (when Wayha and Wayu arrive): Alright, they’re quite cute. But maybe forgettable?
MANI: I don’t know. I’d still fuck them.
PEDI: Or have them fuck you.
MANI: It’s all about give and take in our world.
PEDI (laughing): Ooh, who’s this?

MANI: Pawin.
PEDI (intrigued): He looks sly. Oh, a sly twink. Mama, mark my words. He’s a power bottom. The sower of dis-cord.

MANI: He’s gonna break up Korn from that evil girlfriend, isn’t he?

PEDI (laughing): A Korn thresher! (Laughs at her own joke): We know what’s going to happen, right?
MANI: Dogging?
PEDI laughs. (Later, when Pitch arrives): Pitch? He’s called Pitch?
MANI (when So arrives): And he’s called So. So?
PEDI: Wow, these boys *cannot* act.
MANI: And, compared to the men who came before… they look, ummm, how do I put it politely? Reptilian?
PEDI: Look, Pitch evidently has had too much botulinum toxin injected into his face, and only a So-So man could fall in love with him. Let us be kind.
MANI: I hate to break this to you, but I think Ms Botox and Ms Sourpuss are meant to be together.
PEDI flips the table in anger.

Episode 2 & 3.
PEDI: I don't understand. Is this an agency for actors? Or a whorehouse? Is Suzi an agent, or a pimp?
MANI: A bit of both, I think.
PEDI: Is that why they're all under curfew and house arrest?
MANI (getting up from the sofa when So and Pitch appear): We don’t care about So called Pitch? Okay? I don't care. They cannot act. They are boring. And I hate them. Stop this madness! Stop this gaslighting!
PEDI (unable to stop laughing): This is Pitch Imperfect… No, no wait… Bitch Imperfect.
ME (from the corner): You’re fired.
From this point onwards, whenever So or Pitch arrive on the screen, MANI takes the remote and presses fast forward.

Episode 4.
MANI (seeing Mintra leave): Finally. There is never a bad time for a mother to die in a Thai BL.
PEDI: Ooh, is something gay about to happen?
MANI (as the seduction begins): There you go. Dogging. See?
PEDI: Suzi! You pervert! Stop slivering them.
MANI: You mean the movie Sliver?
PEDI: Yes.
MANI: This is so hot, I’m not gonna lie.
PEDI: What’s there to lie about?
MANI (when they bone again in bed): See, this is true queer representation.
PEDI: What? Sideways cowboy?
MANI: As long it's not missionary... it's queer. (Later, when Wayu and Wayha enter the screen): Oh, I like them. They’re cute. But they don't have any *heat*... Oh wait, he's taking his shirt off. Never mind.
PEDI: Well, here’s a Pitch-er of cold water to ruin everything.

Episode 5
PEDI (seeing Pawin mount Korn): What the... fuck?
MANI (awe-struck): Hang on. Is the actor playing Pawin actually naked?

PEDI (getting very, very close to the TV): Looks like it.
MANI: You’re going to jerk off to this later, aren’t you?

PEDI: Mama, I am a cherry-grove lesbian. I *need* a story to get aroused.
MANI: And this is the one?

PEDI: Yes. And the fact that they are evidently going to get caught only adds to the thrill.
MANI (laughing): So, So? So, we know who the Mask is, right?
PEDI: It’s so obvious, it's not even obvious.
MANI: Well, we’re here for Korn bread. Who cares about the plot it comes from?

PEDI: Good point.

Episode 6
MANI: Nooooooooooo! Leave him alone, you marble-faced Barbie! Gun is ours!!!
PEDI: I didn't think it would be possible. But paired with Pitch, Gun is getting less and less attractive. It's like when your best friend marries an asshole, and she becomes an asshole, and you don't wanna hang out with her anymore? Just like that.
MANI: Urgh. (They skip through their whole failing-in-love montage.) Finally! Korn!
PEDI: Korn keeps us *fed*!
MANI: As he should.
PEDI: Did you notice that he's an oenophile? Always swilling a glass of fine wine?
MANI: Why do I hang out with you?

Episodes 7-8
MANI: The assistant with the power lesbian haircut is quite hot. She deserves her own plotline.
PEDI: I think it’s coming.
MANI: And Suzi knows how to put on a suit! Her stylist needs a raise. Not something I normally say about a Thai BL.
PEDI (seeing Pitch come on screen): Okay, for the rest of this show, we are not talking about Marble Face. Okay? Not even if he’s with Gun. It’s Chekov's anti-Gun. Give me the remote. Move it!
MANI (unable to make sense of the chronology): Who edited this show? Were they in a coma? Were the writers high on cocaine?
PEDI (when Sin arrives on the screen): Ooh, who's the new suit?
MANI: I don’t know. But the man knows how to wear one.
PEDI: It's the long-lost son, isn’t he? There's always a long lost son in Thai lakorns.
MANI (when it is revealed who The Host is): I knew it. I knew it!
PEDI: There’s your plotline.
MANI: Hang on. Is this incest? Is that where it’s going?
PEDI: I doubt it. It’s not from Taiwan. (Later, when Mintra tries to frame Pawin): Really? This is where we’re at? In 2023?

Episode 9
MANI (when Sin declares “I want to ruin everything”): Woooork! Woooooork!
PEDI (when Wayha and Wayu kiss): Awww… Lovely. Let the f*** at it, I say.
MANI: Hang on, hang on, hang on, Wayha, the post-adolescent *man*, has never been kissed before? Are you kidding me?
PEDI: This is BL fantasy, mama. Why are you expecting reality?
MANI: I’m not expecting reality. I just don’t want a teenage girl Wattpad fantasy. Give me sex dungeons and a voucher for Home Depot.
PEDI: A true gay fantasy.
MANI & PEDI together, at the final scene: Noooooooooooooooooo!
MANI: What just happened? Did we lose one of the main reasons we've been watching this show?
PEDI: Aaaaaaaaaargh! Couldn’t they have killed the other Bitch instead?

Episode 10-11:
MANI: Who do you think did it?
PEDI: Not the son. Not the Power Lesbian, obviously.
MANI: It’s the four-eyed assistant. It’s always the quiet, unassuming ones.
PEDI (when Gun confesses to So): Okay, what? He permanently disabled your brother, and you just forgive him? Mama, I’m smell a rat. I think So’s the killer.
MANI: So? So!
PEDI (laughing): Shut up.
MANI: Secret basement? This has gone full on Gothic, Mary.
PEDI: Sin can pull a sweater, let me tell you. Sweaters become him.
MANI: Would you say that he makes you sweat all over?
That he knows his pullovers?
PEDI (laughing): You need help.
MANI (when Host and Sin reveal the truth): Pawin is the only one invested. Look at him acting all shocked. Everyone else? Stone-faced.
PEDI (when the sex scene begins): Mama, is this Star Trek the next generation?
MANI: How do you mean?

PEDI: I mean, this is science fiction, right? Are we really seeing every guy in the house bang each other?
MANI: Except Marble Face and Sourpuss.
PEDI: Oh, put me out of my misery if that happens.
MANI: Mintra, Mintra! You go girl! Finally, some self-respect! (Later): Hang on, did Mintra and the Bottom Bitch just team up against Korn? Woooooork! Wooooooork!
PEDI: Awww… poor Korn.
MANI: This show is magnificent.

Episode 12.
MANI (during the yacht scene): What? What’s happening?
PEDI: We just destroyed a man’s life. I gave a man PTSD. My botox injections went all wrong. Oh, and our agent just died. But hey, let’s paartaaaaay!
MANI (at So): You brought your disabled brother on a yacht? With the man who hit him with his car?
PEDI: Something smells fishy here. And it’s not the sea.
MANI: Don't tell me Suzi really did die due to an allergy! If so, that’s worse than Cersei’s death in GoT.
PEDI: But wait, mama. Did you notice something? Something awesome? We haven’t seen Pitch in the last two episodes… at all. As in, he's gone. Disappeared.
MANI (jumping with joy): You’re right. You’re right! Our prayers have been answered! Praise the lord! The Pitch dropped dead! (Laughs at her own joke.)
PEDI: Do you think he was fired? The actor?
MANI: Why, because he was so bad? Now that you mention it...
PEDI: I hope people wrote to The Hague, because it is a crime against humanity to pair him up with Gun.
MANI (laughing at her own cleverness): I do hear Gun crime is on the rise.
ME (from the corner): You're fired.
PEDI (shocked at the final twist): What???
MANI: Told you!
PEDI: You witch!
MANI: I kind of knew it when So So was looking at the camera — very, very badly, hitting his head against the fourth wall — and talking about how good it would be if everything had a happy ending...
PEDI: Yup. Should have seen it coming. What an ending though!
MANI: This show is pure genius.
PEDI: A work of art.
MANI: Come on, let's watch it again.
PEDI: I'll order pizza.

Reader's Digest:
DO SAY: The Korn Ultimatum
DON’T SAY: So long, Pitch!